Opening Night and Panic Attacks

So last night my very first full length play opened, not the first one I have directed. The first I had ever written. The Bullied is based on the stories of 36 teens that committed suicide caused by bullying in 2010 and also interviews I conducted with people that had been bullied. Bullying is a subject that I believe is very relevant to right now and something that needs serious attention. But this blog is not about that. I'll save that novel for another blog.

I really try to always remain calm, cool and collected. So much so that I didn't think that the migraine I had all day may be attributed to nerves. I finally accepted that my nerves were on edge when I got to the theater and I couldn't stop shaking and sweating. And for those that know me well, you all know I sweat like a 500 pound man as it is, but last night was bordering ridiculous. I was shaking and sweating just standing, it was very frustrating to say the least.

To my surprise we had a house of over 80...which just added to my anxiety. My first fear when putting on a show is that my actors will not show up, they all did. My second fear is that no one will show up to watch, which many people did. Now I had a completely new fear...that everyone would hate the show and my dreams of becoming a writer would be dashed.

Come intermission I was surprised to see that no one had left. One gentleman approached me about the possibility of taking the show on the road to schools. I was completely surprised.

I should also state that this has nothing to do with the work my cast has done. It only has to do with me. Totally selfish and self centered, I know, but c'est la vie.

At the end of the show the audience clapped, told the actors they did well...I listened to all of this whilst hiding in the kitchen. After the crowd had dispersed I escaped to the office to read the comment cards turned in by the audience. And many of them were just people signing up for the theatre's newsletter, a few expressed praise and then there was the one. Someone had scrawled a full note on the back of one of the comment cards. As I read I could feel my little balloon of happiness deflating...it started with that they thought the production was amateurish...okay...I read on...they thought the story was biased....huh? Biased? I didn't really get that, but okay. I read on....then they said that they were expecting something completely different....different? Different from what? I mean it's all there in the title, THE BULLIED: BASED ON REAL EVENTS AND INTERVIEWS. No hidden agenda there....I read on...the last statement was them informing me that there is "no such word as "hanged" and I should have used "hung". At that point I grew irritated and actually said out loud, "A picture can be hung, but a person can't. You moron." The people standing near me asked "What?" I said. "Oh, nothing. Just someone being dumb." But I continued to be irritated for quite a while. Until I woke up this morning and thought that I was the one that was being dumb.

I mean I don't expect everyone to like my work. I would love if they did, but it is not a realistic expectation to have. Maybe because this show means a lot to me, more so than many of the other things I have written, I was terribly bothered by those comments. Maybe because they said I was biased in my presentation, either way I got over my irritation, which is record time for me. I should have been angry for at least a couple weeks over that one comment card. Maybe this means I am growing as a person...maybe.  I guess I'll have to see what the next three audiences think.

peace. love and pancakes

What we have here is a failure to communicate

I am trying really hard right now to keep it together. I'm hoping writing it all down will help. It usually does and it has been a long time since I last wrote a blog despite making a promise to myself to do it more often.

I have been trying really hard to remain positive. No one wants to hear about someone complaining about how bad they are feeling or all the shit that is currently going wrong. I hate to be that person that posts ten times a day on FB about how shitty their life has become. No one wants to read that, I don't.

But I tell you, when things go wrong, they just have to go wrong in an epic way. Why can't the bad be spread out a little? Or even better why do they have to happen at all?

Sorry, I can't go into all of the gory details in a public forum. There are things I can't share because it will cause people to worry about others and it isn't my place to tell anyone yet. I'll just say loved ones of mine aren't doing well health wise. That is the big one I guess, and I can't really talk about it to anyone. I have to pretend that nothing is wrong until there is concrete information given.

Layer on top of that stress of epic proportions, one of which is our car breaking down just as we are going to completely caught up with bills after being so behind after two years. I was happy to be able to finally be able to pay loans off, have a little extra cash to have fun and just not worry about money, but obviously that can't be possible.

Then, last weekend our neighbors dog dug a tunnel into our yard to fight with our dog. Unfortunately our neighbors dog was out weighed by 100 pounds and sadly lost the battle. To make matters worse our neighbors who own the dog are a little off and made a huge scene, threatening to sue if we didn't put our dog down immediately. It was fortunate that I was out of town at the time because I do not do well with idle threats from insanely dramatic people. Long story short, online research, the sheriff's office and the ASPCA backed us up that we were not at fault for the death of the dog. It was unfortunate yes, but their dog came on to our property. If our dog was a threat to people I could understand a problem arising, but as big as he is he is terrified of people, the most he would do is slobber on someone until they got disgusted and walked away.

And to have a totally vain moment, all that weight I lost over the two years? I have started to gain it back. I've gained 16 pounds in the last two months. No time for the gym, life stress and fighting the onslaught of returning depression has made it easy for the fat to jump back on my body. Stupid fat.

I know I should not be fighting depression right now. I know. I'm a published playwright, a HUGE accomplishment. But you want to hear a secret? I don't feel like I deserve it. Please don't take that as me fishing for compliments, I'm not. I don't think I'm a very good writer. I don't think I'm really good at anything.  I feel like I'm a terrible writer, a terrible artist, a bad photographer, a bad director, a bad actor, a bad mom. I do so many things because I have to keep my mind busy and because it keeps me from doing what I really want to do which is sleep all day.

I keep listing all the things that are good in my life. Everyday. I try to take my own advice and "fake it till I make it", but I can only fake it for so long.

I just HATE being the whiny person, who complains about a seemingly wonderful life, but maybe I'm a better actress than I think and have fooled you all into thinking my life is so wonderful.
I also don't talk about my problems because I have always been taught to keep my feelings to myself, that everyone else always has their own problems and to not force my bad times on to other people.

On a daily basis I have to fight the feelings that everyone hates me, I know I'm a giant pain in the ass. I have a problem with telling people how it is, I try to be honest and truthful and usually people don't like it, but I'm not going to change that. I guess I'm just growing tired of people being mean to the ones I love and it being okay. They complain about certain people being rude when they themselves aren't any better. Why the double standard? Why is it okay for one person to be shitty, but when someone reacts or says something they are the ones that are made out to be the bad person. It's not fair.

Most importantly I guess I would just like to feel loved and supported by my family and from those who claim to  be my friends. Sometimes I feel like I give so much and only get back a small percentage of what I put out into the world in return. Maybe I should stop trying to help others so much. Stop being there for others all the time. Stop being willing to help others with projects at the drop of a hat. Why should I when I don't get shit back? I would like to believe that what we put out into the universe comes back to us, but I'm beginning to believe that karma is complete bull shit. But I know I will never stop trying to help others. Because it makes me happy to help. I don't do it to get recognition or to get favors in return. I help because I want to. It just sucks sometimes when I ask for help or support and no one is there.

Whine, whine, whine.

*sigh*

Son of a bitch! I hate being a whiny asshole! Fuck it all, like I've said before, maybe I'll just be hard ass bitch and all my problems will disappear because I will be ruthless and not care about anyone but myself. Maybe not. I don't want to hate me too.

Well, thanks for being a part of my "therapy", I need to not stay away for so long. I know no one may read this, it is more of a way for me to communicate with myself and not internalize the shitty shit in my life. If you have read this whiny ass blog in its entirety I apologize for the feeling sorry for me and my sucky life rambling that I just spewed, but if it helps, I feel a million times better. And if you did read this far, you should come see the premiere of my show, THE BULLIED. It opens Friday at THE EMPTY SPACE. My cast has put in a tremendous amount of work in to a show about something that is a huge problem. I'm very proud of them and of what they have accomplished.

peace out home skillets 

Stop hiding behind the First Amendment

Here's the deal, and PLEASE, feel free to delete me as a "friend" because if you believe in limiting the American rights of only a certain sect of people in this so called "free" country YOU are the one that is Un-American and Un-Christian and YOU are someone that I do not want to associate with any longer. Do me the favor, please. Because I believed that people I chose to call friends would not hold prejudice and hatred towards another group of people, towards fellow Americans. Just because we have differing opinions on politics is one thing. But the fact that you support the oppression of a people is not acceptable and I do not want to be associated with anyone that would think that way. I've accepted that not everyone likes me, this has also taught me that I do not have to like everyone and I have the right to tell a person to fuck off.


First of all the entire Chick-Fil-A thing was NOT about free speech. Fuck that. It. WASN'T. SO if you are going to argue that then just go away. Argue with me and I can just delete you. Because I have had to read EVERYONE'S crazy opinions on this bull shit the last week and I've had it. Seriously. This is ME, exercising MY first amendment rights to tell all of you closeted bigots that hide behind the First Amendment to fuck the hell off.


This was about supporting someone, yes SOMEONE who openly threw into the face of the American public that he supports Anti gay groups. Plain and simple. Groups that tell people that who they love is wrong. Groups that tell people they can not marry who they love. Groups that preach hate disguised as religion and quote the bible because what they are afraid of saying is that they hate gays. A bunch of fucking cowards is what they are.


And, no, I'm not going to stop using foul language, if it offends your sweet ears stop reading. 


This entire situation is ridiculous.


Completely insane.


And the fact that people are trying to disguise their fucking bigoted beliefs as supporting the first fucking amendment is what gets me every time. Now if you wanted to spew your hatred and bigoted beliefs in public where people could hear how you really felt that would be one thing. Take a clue from the KKK, at least they are not such lowly cowards that they can spew their hatred for every one on the planet and not hide behind a disgusting chicken sandwich. At least be mildly cowardly and wear your hate on your sleeve so I can avoid you public. It's like in the movie Inglorious Basterds when Lt. Aldo Raine would brand Nazi Officers when he let them live. So  when they took of their uniform people would be able to identify them for the evil person they are. 


Oh I have a great idea! All of you so called "Christians", you up holders of the First Amendement, If you're so proud of your beliefs why don't you wear a crown telling us you are God's judge and jury and we will know what spews from the hole in your mouth that is the end all and be all. We will know that we are supposed to take everything you say as the final word. And if one of you crown wearers disagrees with another you can battle it out mad Max style.

And another thing! WHY DO SO MANY PEOPLE LOVE FUCKING CHICK-FIL-A?!?!? THEIR FOOD TASTES LIKE FRIED ASS!!!!!!!! I used to work at the mall when it had a Chick-Fil-A  and I used to vomit a little every time I walked by because it smelled so fucking bad!


But I digress.


My point is this. Who are WE to decide who has rights and who does not. It was not that long ago that interracial marriages were illegal. 45 years ago it would have been illegal for my husband and I to marry. 45 years ago. It sounds like something that should have happened 400 years ago when we as a people were young and stupid, but no. It was 45 years ago. And don't give me that bull shit about Prop 8 passing, the people voted blah, blah, blah. If you want to use that as your argument, stop reading and fuck off. I'm done talking to people that are so short minded they can't see past their fucking nose. Done.


Still here? Well let's go on shall we...


I just can't comprehend why we still feel the need to suppress one group of people. And a group of American people at that. Some man that is an American Citizen, who pays his taxes and helps support the American Economy is NOT going to be afforded the same rights because he fell in love with another man.


How is that fair?


Get off your fucking high horses people. Stop being little terrorists and pushing your beliefs on other people that don't agree with you. Stop being fucking assholes! For Christ's sake! Why can't we just be happy  for another human being found someone to LOVE. That's what it all comes down to. If two grown adults want to love each other let them. Stay out of their bedroom. It's not about sex. It's about love. And why some stupid fucking bigot asshole feels the need to stick his fucking nose where it doesn't belong makes no sense to me! Hey Mister Politician! We don't limit how many wives you can have so stop telling others who they can marry!


And for those of you that want to throw some bible verses at me, before you even do, let me tell you. You can take your bible verse and shove it straight up you clean little, my shit smells like fucking roses asshole.


If we followed the bible we would still have slaves, men would be able to have 300 wives and 200 mistresses and countries could conquer whom ever they saw fit.


And oh yeah, I know some fucking verses too.


Matthew 7:2-5
Jesus concludes the Sermon on the Mount—He commands, Judge not; ask of God; beware of false prophets—He promises salvation to those who do the will of the Father.
"For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged [if we judge with an evil heart or dark intent, His judgment of us will reflect it; if we judge nobly with honesty and justice, His judgment of us will reflect that, too], and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you [if we use extremes or exaggerations or other ignoble means, His judgment of us will reflect it and judging with fairness and compassion will garner likewise in His judgment of us]. Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye [point out his sins, "minor" in Jesus' example here] and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye [our own sins, even and especially those we will not admit, magnified by our selective blindness]? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' [tell him of his "minor" sins] when all the time there is a plank in your own eye [that there are greater or the same sins in our own lives which we do nothing about or think we are above]? You hypocrite* [pointing out the sins of others while by pretense thinking of ourselves as above sin], first take the plank out of your own eye [sincerely ask the Lord for forgiveness and learn and live the Truth and Light by His Word], and then you will see clearly [be in a righteous position] to remove the speck from your brother's eye [to judge and to help him out of his bondage to sin]." At Galilee, the Decapolis, Jerusalem, Judea and the region across the Jordan, Jesus was talking to the multitudes gathered there after hearing of His message and of His healings to beseech them to not become like the pharisees and hypocrites who think they are above sin. 


Peace out home skillets.

A crazy little play called Marat/Sade

Last weekend Marat/Sade or The Persecution and Assassination of Jean-Paul Marat as Performed by the Inmates of the Asylum of Charenton Under the Direction of the Marquis de Sade closed at The Empty Space.Marat/Sade is a fictional story set in an French asylum in 1808. The Marquis de Sade has written a play and the director of the asylum is having the inmates perform it for the public as part of their "therapy" and "rehabilitation."


For me when a show I have directed closes I am both happy and sad. Happy that a project is complete and sad that I won't get to see a great bunch of people I have spent the last few months with. I hate to admit it, but this time around I was more happy than sad. Not because I was glad to be rid of all of my "crazies", but more because this show was so completely and utterly draining. Because not only did I direct it (Co-directed with Eric), I also had a small role in it. 


In the past when I have acted before I had "down time" during the show. Time that was spent going over the next scene, breathing, catching my breath, getting a drink, going pee...anything else but being on stage. This time around there was no such thing as down time. From the minute the doors open every single actor in the production was "on". They were in character and interacting with the arriving audience members and with each other.


It was harder than one could expect. Each one of us on stage had to be constantly moving. Crazy people don't really sit still. To help the actors prepare Eric and I had a total of 11 weeks of rehearsal. Not everyone in the cast attended. They were only called as they were needed. The actors that sang attended the music rehearsals, the lead characters met at least once a week for the first 8 weeks to work on their character. All of the cast had to attend stage combat work shops so we could be sure that no one would get hurt during all the craziness. The actors even had to go through accent training. Sadly, not enough time was spent on the accent workshops and the accents were cut because many of them were muddled and inconsistent.


During the first couple weeks of rehearsal we lost 5 actors. Either due to time constraints or because they were intimidated by the show. We also had 3 people turn down one of the lead roles because the script seemed too intense and artsy. So we had to move around some of our actors and I had to step into the role of an inmate called "Mad Dog". I was essentially an insane sociopath that wanted to kill the director of the hospital.


I was told by more than a few people that I played crazy very well.


Now that I think about it I'm not sure how to take that.


One of my favorite comments was that I gave someone nightmares.


But I can not stress how hard doing this show was. To be utterly insane for almost two hours was draining. Like running 15 miles draining. It was also worth every bit of blood, sweat and tears I put into it. 


I can honestly say I am so proud of every one of my cast members. Each of them started researching their character after they were cast. Each of them worked on their own outside of rehearsal. The singing quartet not only learned their music, stage combat and accents, but they also learned how to perform Acrobatic Yoga. I know I usually work my actors hard. From character development to opening night there is a lot of work that I ask of my actors. Usually because I like to cast very green actors because they always bring something fresh to the table and I know that I won't have to deal with old bad habits that they may have developed. 


Sometimes this works out great. Sometimes not. This time around it worked out phenomenally.


The young man that portrayed the inmate portraying Jean Paul Marat was not necessarily new to the stage. He was new to such a large and important role. His name is Morgan Von Sydow. And he was simply brilliant. It is a rare thing to come across an actor that is a natural at what they do. It is rare to find an actor that is willing to completely immerse themselves into a role. I want to take a moment to thank Morgan especially for the work he did in Marat/Sade. Some people are born to play certain roles and I could not have imagined anyone else in this role. Bravo to you Morgan. Thank you for all of your hard work.


Now the rest of the cast was a different situation. 


JUST KIDDING!


I am so thankful for all of you. Really. Everyone really pitched in a helped with so many things. Robyn and her friend Kim with the costumes, Robyn with helping everyone get their makeup on every night, Matt, Tsunami, Danny and Amanda for staying late MULTIPLE nights to help build or clear or paint. One night Danny, Amanda and Tsunami stayed to help paint, not for the show, but because the theater needed to be painted. And on another night they stayed AGAIN to help Eric build the set for THE MIRACLE WORKER that was going up the week before we opened. 


We had a simply amazing cast. I can not stress enough just how thankful I am to each and every one of you.


And thank you to everyone that made it out to be a part of the audience. I hope we didn't scare you too much. And I hope even if you did not understand what was going on that you were at least entertained.


Also my beloved crazy cast, I wanted to pass on a few of the comments I received regarding your performances.


"Amazing. Simply Amazing. I'm so happy I was able to see and so freaking angry I was not in it. I never should have turned down that role." -Jack Slider


"That the play I saw at 11pm Saturday night was the first thing I thought of this morning. I'm still rejoicing in your victory!" - Mark Price


"..the best play I ever saw at the Empty Space in Bakersfield... It has a Great Cast!" - Cameron Brian


"There wasn't a bad performance in the whole show. The loons were perfectly loonie, the perverts and sadists were perfectly perverted and sadistic, the schizophrenics and paranoics perfectly schitzie and paranoid...seriously, great job. " - Susan Castro


"That wasn't a show. That was an experience." - Unknown audience member that stopped me after the show.


"I didn't know what was going on, but I couldn't stop watching. It was pretty amazing, thank you." Unknown audience member that stopped me after the show.


And there were so many more, but it is getting very late and after spending the last few weeks going to bed at about 3am and waking up at 8am my body is telling me to call it a night.


Good night all.


Be good to each other.


Love, Sunshine and Happiness


~Michelle~

I'm so ridiculously angry right now.

When most people feel pain and anguish I feel anger. Sure I have that initial pangs of hurt, but it soon turns to anger, usually after I cry about it for a minute,

I have tried to adopt a happier disposition. I have, really. I am trying to stay positive. I am taking up meditation again. Focusing on the inner me, but something happens it seems daily that just has to knock me back twelve steps.

Maybe I should take up martial arts again. Maybe hitting a sand bag will make me feel better.

I don't know.

I guess to know I will first have to understand people. One person actually. And no matter how hard I have tried I don't. I don't understand their actions. I don't understand the shit that comes out of their mouths. I don't understand them.

At all.

It boggles my mind.

Soon after my mind is boggled the anger comes.

I had a problem taking out my anger when I was younger on those around me. I would lash out. But my mom quickly taught me that just because I am having a shit day it does not give me the right to spread my shitty attitude to anyone that was unfortunate to cross my path.

I hold that lesson dear. No one should suffer because I am angry.

Why doesn't everyone else's mom teach them this lesson.

And for that matter why doesn't everyone else's mom teach them to keep a promise.

I don't make promises very often because I refuse to break a promise.

Maybe I am loyal to a fault.

Maybe I should finally take my mom's advice and worry about my happiness first before anyone else's.

We all should realize that most of the advice that our mothers gave us is true and we should have listened way before the age of 33.

I know I am being vague and I promise to divulge more later. I'm just not ready.

Right now I'm pissed.

And its giving me a headache :/

Thanks for letting me rant.

Be good to each other.

Hug a stranger and be kind to someone just because.

Peace, Love and Sunshine

Michelle

some fundamental truths about myself

I've finally come to terms with some fundamental truths about myself.

Try as I might, I am NOT "laid-back".

I am passionate, and I don't have much patience for those who aren't. 


My passion can make me seem volatile. 

Unfortunately I'm passionate about a lot of things.

I expect people to KEEP. UP. 


I can't comprehend when people refuse to make time for the things that they say they love.


I believe that if you truly WANT to do something you WILL make time to do it. Sleeping be 


damned.

I CANNOT idle in neutral; I live in overdrive. Stop trying to make me go slower. I 


don't know how.

I don't demand anything from anyone that I don't demand from myself.


IT DRIVES ME CRAZY WHEN PEOPLE CAN'T BE ON TIME!


Even though I know I can't I still want to save the world and everyone in it.


It sometimes makes me sad that I can't.


Just because I can't doesn't mean that I will ever stop trying.


It has taken me 33 years to finally accept that not everyone will like me and for 


me to be okay with it.


Not caring that not everyone will like me makes it very easy for me to say what is on my 


mind.


The above has made me less volatile.


My life is an open book. If you want to know something just ask. If it is something that is 


relevant to you or I think you should know I will answer you truthfully. If I think it is none of 


your damn business I will state so. But slightly more politely. 


Most of the time I will tell you regardless if I think you should know of not. 


My life is pretty uneventful. To me at least. So I see no reason to lie about 


anything. 


Because of the above I am still surprised when I hear rumors/gossip about myself.


I don't care when people talk ill of me. In the past it used to make me want to crawl in a 


hole and stay there forever. Now? Not so much.


But spread lies about someone I care about and I have no issue bitch slapping 


you. 


Figuratively or literally.


The same goes if you hurt someone I care about.


When I decide to not like someone it will take an act of God to make me change my mind 


about them. Because usually there is a reason I don't like them and I don't like to be proven


wrong.


When I say I don't want to do something I mean it.


When I say I WANT to do something I mean it. 


People need to stop asking "am I sure" when I give them an answer.



I believe that people should be told when they continue to do 


something wrong or when they are being an asshole to the world in general. If 


you don't say anything it is like firing someone for doing something that you 


never told them was wrong. How are we going to grow as people if no one ever 


tells us we are failing?


I have NO problem being the person to tell them.

I am a completely generous, spoiled rotten brat.


I am vain.


I have a pretty big ego.


I have terrible self esteem.


I strive to be as humble as possible.


I am a contradiction to myself. I know.


I'm bossy.


I try to not be bossy and it is very difficult.


I made a promise to myself a month ago to stop feeling bad for myself, to stop being 


depressed, to stop allowing others be rude to me when I am overly polite to them and to 


stop allowing others to expect the moon and stars from me when they only want to give me 


a pat on the head in return.


So far I have kept my promise. 


I don't think the above has been easy for some people to accept.  And I don't really care.

This is my warning label.


Deal with it or move on.

Adventures in weight loss week 4

I know, I know. I'm sorry I have been slacking on the blogging. BUT! Unlike previous attempts at this bloggity blog thing I have returned. Albeit late, I am back none the less.

So a quick update on the dieting. I am still doing well despite my not feeling like I was losing anything because I felt fat and bloated.

Yay PMS.

My current weight is 151.5. That puts me a half pound ahead of my plan, I'm pretty proud of that :D

I'm also proud that despite the stress I am living with right now I am not comforting myself with food or feeling sorry for myself and drowning my sorrows with pizza and beer. I think that pretty purple dress I have to wear in a few months has something to do with it.

I plan on writing a long blog about other things as soon as possible, so I am going to keep this one short and sweet.

Take care humans.

Try to be kind to one another. Despite everything this is the most important thing in the world.

Love, peace and sunshine

~Michelle~