What we have here is a failure to communicate

I am trying really hard right now to keep it together. I'm hoping writing it all down will help. It usually does and it has been a long time since I last wrote a blog despite making a promise to myself to do it more often.

I have been trying really hard to remain positive. No one wants to hear about someone complaining about how bad they are feeling or all the shit that is currently going wrong. I hate to be that person that posts ten times a day on FB about how shitty their life has become. No one wants to read that, I don't.

But I tell you, when things go wrong, they just have to go wrong in an epic way. Why can't the bad be spread out a little? Or even better why do they have to happen at all?

Sorry, I can't go into all of the gory details in a public forum. There are things I can't share because it will cause people to worry about others and it isn't my place to tell anyone yet. I'll just say loved ones of mine aren't doing well health wise. That is the big one I guess, and I can't really talk about it to anyone. I have to pretend that nothing is wrong until there is concrete information given.

Layer on top of that stress of epic proportions, one of which is our car breaking down just as we are going to completely caught up with bills after being so behind after two years. I was happy to be able to finally be able to pay loans off, have a little extra cash to have fun and just not worry about money, but obviously that can't be possible.

Then, last weekend our neighbors dog dug a tunnel into our yard to fight with our dog. Unfortunately our neighbors dog was out weighed by 100 pounds and sadly lost the battle. To make matters worse our neighbors who own the dog are a little off and made a huge scene, threatening to sue if we didn't put our dog down immediately. It was fortunate that I was out of town at the time because I do not do well with idle threats from insanely dramatic people. Long story short, online research, the sheriff's office and the ASPCA backed us up that we were not at fault for the death of the dog. It was unfortunate yes, but their dog came on to our property. If our dog was a threat to people I could understand a problem arising, but as big as he is he is terrified of people, the most he would do is slobber on someone until they got disgusted and walked away.

And to have a totally vain moment, all that weight I lost over the two years? I have started to gain it back. I've gained 16 pounds in the last two months. No time for the gym, life stress and fighting the onslaught of returning depression has made it easy for the fat to jump back on my body. Stupid fat.

I know I should not be fighting depression right now. I know. I'm a published playwright, a HUGE accomplishment. But you want to hear a secret? I don't feel like I deserve it. Please don't take that as me fishing for compliments, I'm not. I don't think I'm a very good writer. I don't think I'm really good at anything.  I feel like I'm a terrible writer, a terrible artist, a bad photographer, a bad director, a bad actor, a bad mom. I do so many things because I have to keep my mind busy and because it keeps me from doing what I really want to do which is sleep all day.

I keep listing all the things that are good in my life. Everyday. I try to take my own advice and "fake it till I make it", but I can only fake it for so long.

I just HATE being the whiny person, who complains about a seemingly wonderful life, but maybe I'm a better actress than I think and have fooled you all into thinking my life is so wonderful.
I also don't talk about my problems because I have always been taught to keep my feelings to myself, that everyone else always has their own problems and to not force my bad times on to other people.

On a daily basis I have to fight the feelings that everyone hates me, I know I'm a giant pain in the ass. I have a problem with telling people how it is, I try to be honest and truthful and usually people don't like it, but I'm not going to change that. I guess I'm just growing tired of people being mean to the ones I love and it being okay. They complain about certain people being rude when they themselves aren't any better. Why the double standard? Why is it okay for one person to be shitty, but when someone reacts or says something they are the ones that are made out to be the bad person. It's not fair.

Most importantly I guess I would just like to feel loved and supported by my family and from those who claim to  be my friends. Sometimes I feel like I give so much and only get back a small percentage of what I put out into the world in return. Maybe I should stop trying to help others so much. Stop being there for others all the time. Stop being willing to help others with projects at the drop of a hat. Why should I when I don't get shit back? I would like to believe that what we put out into the universe comes back to us, but I'm beginning to believe that karma is complete bull shit. But I know I will never stop trying to help others. Because it makes me happy to help. I don't do it to get recognition or to get favors in return. I help because I want to. It just sucks sometimes when I ask for help or support and no one is there.

Whine, whine, whine.

*sigh*

Son of a bitch! I hate being a whiny asshole! Fuck it all, like I've said before, maybe I'll just be hard ass bitch and all my problems will disappear because I will be ruthless and not care about anyone but myself. Maybe not. I don't want to hate me too.

Well, thanks for being a part of my "therapy", I need to not stay away for so long. I know no one may read this, it is more of a way for me to communicate with myself and not internalize the shitty shit in my life. If you have read this whiny ass blog in its entirety I apologize for the feeling sorry for me and my sucky life rambling that I just spewed, but if it helps, I feel a million times better. And if you did read this far, you should come see the premiere of my show, THE BULLIED. It opens Friday at THE EMPTY SPACE. My cast has put in a tremendous amount of work in to a show about something that is a huge problem. I'm very proud of them and of what they have accomplished.

peace out home skillets 

Stop hiding behind the First Amendment

Here's the deal, and PLEASE, feel free to delete me as a "friend" because if you believe in limiting the American rights of only a certain sect of people in this so called "free" country YOU are the one that is Un-American and Un-Christian and YOU are someone that I do not want to associate with any longer. Do me the favor, please. Because I believed that people I chose to call friends would not hold prejudice and hatred towards another group of people, towards fellow Americans. Just because we have differing opinions on politics is one thing. But the fact that you support the oppression of a people is not acceptable and I do not want to be associated with anyone that would think that way. I've accepted that not everyone likes me, this has also taught me that I do not have to like everyone and I have the right to tell a person to fuck off.


First of all the entire Chick-Fil-A thing was NOT about free speech. Fuck that. It. WASN'T. SO if you are going to argue that then just go away. Argue with me and I can just delete you. Because I have had to read EVERYONE'S crazy opinions on this bull shit the last week and I've had it. Seriously. This is ME, exercising MY first amendment rights to tell all of you closeted bigots that hide behind the First Amendment to fuck the hell off.


This was about supporting someone, yes SOMEONE who openly threw into the face of the American public that he supports Anti gay groups. Plain and simple. Groups that tell people that who they love is wrong. Groups that tell people they can not marry who they love. Groups that preach hate disguised as religion and quote the bible because what they are afraid of saying is that they hate gays. A bunch of fucking cowards is what they are.


And, no, I'm not going to stop using foul language, if it offends your sweet ears stop reading. 


This entire situation is ridiculous.


Completely insane.


And the fact that people are trying to disguise their fucking bigoted beliefs as supporting the first fucking amendment is what gets me every time. Now if you wanted to spew your hatred and bigoted beliefs in public where people could hear how you really felt that would be one thing. Take a clue from the KKK, at least they are not such lowly cowards that they can spew their hatred for every one on the planet and not hide behind a disgusting chicken sandwich. At least be mildly cowardly and wear your hate on your sleeve so I can avoid you public. It's like in the movie Inglorious Basterds when Lt. Aldo Raine would brand Nazi Officers when he let them live. So  when they took of their uniform people would be able to identify them for the evil person they are. 


Oh I have a great idea! All of you so called "Christians", you up holders of the First Amendement, If you're so proud of your beliefs why don't you wear a crown telling us you are God's judge and jury and we will know what spews from the hole in your mouth that is the end all and be all. We will know that we are supposed to take everything you say as the final word. And if one of you crown wearers disagrees with another you can battle it out mad Max style.

And another thing! WHY DO SO MANY PEOPLE LOVE FUCKING CHICK-FIL-A?!?!? THEIR FOOD TASTES LIKE FRIED ASS!!!!!!!! I used to work at the mall when it had a Chick-Fil-A  and I used to vomit a little every time I walked by because it smelled so fucking bad!


But I digress.


My point is this. Who are WE to decide who has rights and who does not. It was not that long ago that interracial marriages were illegal. 45 years ago it would have been illegal for my husband and I to marry. 45 years ago. It sounds like something that should have happened 400 years ago when we as a people were young and stupid, but no. It was 45 years ago. And don't give me that bull shit about Prop 8 passing, the people voted blah, blah, blah. If you want to use that as your argument, stop reading and fuck off. I'm done talking to people that are so short minded they can't see past their fucking nose. Done.


Still here? Well let's go on shall we...


I just can't comprehend why we still feel the need to suppress one group of people. And a group of American people at that. Some man that is an American Citizen, who pays his taxes and helps support the American Economy is NOT going to be afforded the same rights because he fell in love with another man.


How is that fair?


Get off your fucking high horses people. Stop being little terrorists and pushing your beliefs on other people that don't agree with you. Stop being fucking assholes! For Christ's sake! Why can't we just be happy  for another human being found someone to LOVE. That's what it all comes down to. If two grown adults want to love each other let them. Stay out of their bedroom. It's not about sex. It's about love. And why some stupid fucking bigot asshole feels the need to stick his fucking nose where it doesn't belong makes no sense to me! Hey Mister Politician! We don't limit how many wives you can have so stop telling others who they can marry!


And for those of you that want to throw some bible verses at me, before you even do, let me tell you. You can take your bible verse and shove it straight up you clean little, my shit smells like fucking roses asshole.


If we followed the bible we would still have slaves, men would be able to have 300 wives and 200 mistresses and countries could conquer whom ever they saw fit.


And oh yeah, I know some fucking verses too.


Matthew 7:2-5
Jesus concludes the Sermon on the Mount—He commands, Judge not; ask of God; beware of false prophets—He promises salvation to those who do the will of the Father.
"For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged [if we judge with an evil heart or dark intent, His judgment of us will reflect it; if we judge nobly with honesty and justice, His judgment of us will reflect that, too], and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you [if we use extremes or exaggerations or other ignoble means, His judgment of us will reflect it and judging with fairness and compassion will garner likewise in His judgment of us]. Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye [point out his sins, "minor" in Jesus' example here] and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye [our own sins, even and especially those we will not admit, magnified by our selective blindness]? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' [tell him of his "minor" sins] when all the time there is a plank in your own eye [that there are greater or the same sins in our own lives which we do nothing about or think we are above]? You hypocrite* [pointing out the sins of others while by pretense thinking of ourselves as above sin], first take the plank out of your own eye [sincerely ask the Lord for forgiveness and learn and live the Truth and Light by His Word], and then you will see clearly [be in a righteous position] to remove the speck from your brother's eye [to judge and to help him out of his bondage to sin]." At Galilee, the Decapolis, Jerusalem, Judea and the region across the Jordan, Jesus was talking to the multitudes gathered there after hearing of His message and of His healings to beseech them to not become like the pharisees and hypocrites who think they are above sin. 


Peace out home skillets.