I am trying really hard right now to keep it together. I'm hoping writing it all down will help. It usually does and it has been a long time since I last wrote a blog despite making a promise to myself to do it more often.
I have been trying really hard to remain positive. No one wants to hear about someone complaining about how bad they are feeling or all the shit that is currently going wrong. I hate to be that person that posts ten times a day on FB about how shitty their life has become. No one wants to read that, I don't.
But I tell you, when things go wrong, they just have to go wrong in an epic way. Why can't the bad be spread out a little? Or even better why do they have to happen at all?
Sorry, I can't go into all of the gory details in a public forum. There are things I can't share because it will cause people to worry about others and it isn't my place to tell anyone yet. I'll just say loved ones of mine aren't doing well health wise. That is the big one I guess, and I can't really talk about it to anyone. I have to pretend that nothing is wrong until there is concrete information given.
Layer on top of that stress of epic proportions, one of which is our car breaking down just as we are going to completely caught up with bills after being so behind after two years. I was happy to be able to finally be able to pay loans off, have a little extra cash to have fun and just not worry about money, but obviously that can't be possible.
Then, last weekend our neighbors dog dug a tunnel into our yard to fight with our dog. Unfortunately our neighbors dog was out weighed by 100 pounds and sadly lost the battle. To make matters worse our neighbors who own the dog are a little off and made a huge scene, threatening to sue if we didn't put our dog down immediately. It was fortunate that I was out of town at the time because I do not do well with idle threats from insanely dramatic people. Long story short, online research, the sheriff's office and the ASPCA backed us up that we were not at fault for the death of the dog. It was unfortunate yes, but their dog came on to our property. If our dog was a threat to people I could understand a problem arising, but as big as he is he is terrified of people, the most he would do is slobber on someone until they got disgusted and walked away.
And to have a totally vain moment, all that weight I lost over the two years? I have started to gain it back. I've gained 16 pounds in the last two months. No time for the gym, life stress and fighting the onslaught of returning depression has made it easy for the fat to jump back on my body. Stupid fat.
I know I should not be fighting depression right now. I know. I'm a published playwright, a HUGE accomplishment. But you want to hear a secret? I don't feel like I deserve it. Please don't take that as me fishing for compliments, I'm not. I don't think I'm a very good writer. I don't think I'm really good at anything. I feel like I'm a terrible writer, a terrible artist, a bad photographer, a bad director, a bad actor, a bad mom. I do so many things because I have to keep my mind busy and because it keeps me from doing what I really want to do which is sleep all day.
I keep listing all the things that are good in my life. Everyday. I try to take my own advice and "fake it till I make it", but I can only fake it for so long.
I just HATE being the whiny person, who complains about a seemingly wonderful life, but maybe I'm a better actress than I think and have fooled you all into thinking my life is so wonderful.
I also don't talk about my problems because I have always been taught to keep my feelings to myself, that everyone else always has their own problems and to not force my bad times on to other people.
On a daily basis I have to fight the feelings that everyone hates me, I know I'm a giant pain in the ass. I have a problem with telling people how it is, I try to be honest and truthful and usually people don't like it, but I'm not going to change that. I guess I'm just growing tired of people being mean to the ones I love and it being okay. They complain about certain people being rude when they themselves aren't any better. Why the double standard? Why is it okay for one person to be shitty, but when someone reacts or says something they are the ones that are made out to be the bad person. It's not fair.
Most importantly I guess I would just like to feel loved and supported by my family and from those who claim to be my friends. Sometimes I feel like I give so much and only get back a small percentage of what I put out into the world in return. Maybe I should stop trying to help others so much. Stop being there for others all the time. Stop being willing to help others with projects at the drop of a hat. Why should I when I don't get shit back? I would like to believe that what we put out into the universe comes back to us, but I'm beginning to believe that karma is complete bull shit. But I know I will never stop trying to help others. Because it makes me happy to help. I don't do it to get recognition or to get favors in return. I help because I want to. It just sucks sometimes when I ask for help or support and no one is there.
Whine, whine, whine.
*sigh*
Son of a bitch! I hate being a whiny asshole! Fuck it all, like I've said before, maybe I'll just be hard ass bitch and all my problems will disappear because I will be ruthless and not care about anyone but myself. Maybe not. I don't want to hate me too.
Well, thanks for being a part of my "therapy", I need to not stay away for so long. I know no one may read this, it is more of a way for me to communicate with myself and not internalize the shitty shit in my life. If you have read this whiny ass blog in its entirety I apologize for the feeling sorry for me and my sucky life rambling that I just spewed, but if it helps, I feel a million times better. And if you did read this far, you should come see the premiere of my show, THE BULLIED. It opens Friday at THE EMPTY SPACE. My cast has put in a tremendous amount of work in to a show about something that is a huge problem. I'm very proud of them and of what they have accomplished.
peace out home skillets
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